Seriously...Think Before You Speak

My first goal after finishing work was to throw a load of laundry on and head straight to the gym. When I got to the gym it was fantastic!! I was the only one there.  My plan was to do 25 mins of cardio, switch my laundry, go to the dining hall for dinner before all the craft arrived then go back to my room and do about 45 mins of yoga and strengthening exercises.  

The elliptical is an eviiiil machine.

I definitely don't look like that.

It's evil but not that hard to figure out like that sonofawhore treadmill at Manfriends Camp.  However, I must figure out the program that suits me a little better since the weightloss one kicked my ass.  I made it through the whole time with some quick water sips.  Remember I said I was the only one there?  That didn't last long.  A very nice east coast lady was next to me and that was all cool but then this older man I know from site came in.  The first thing he says to me is, "Well this is a weird place to see you."  He's an all right guy but he says stupid shit.  I generally take it with a grain of salt but yesterday he was annoying the piss out of me.  You know one of those kids in school that were lucky because they had a big stature. Anyways,  as I'm busting my hump on this damn machine with the resistance of the machine increasing, he's walking around lifting weights here and there. So I'm listening to tunes and he's standing in front of me saying something.  I pause my ipod and he asks, "Breathing Heavy?" "Uh-yeah...it's only day 17 of not smoking and I'm a lazy bastard."  What would compel someone to ask such a moronic question?!  You KNOW I just quit smoking and it's obvious this machine is working me hard.  You really think I will be taking in tiny effeminate breaths? 

Finally I am done my time and now it's time to go and switch my laundry, clean up, and get have some dinner.  There I am heading out the door he yells out across the gym, "Leaving ALREADY?!"   I look back and say, "Yeah, I gotta change my laundry."  "Sure sure, nice excuse," he yells as I'm walking down the hallway.  

 

 You tubby bitch, how dare you fucking blurt that condescending shit out at me.  First of all I'm about 10% of your size.  Second of all I'm 100% hotter than you are.  Yes, this narcissistic self-talk makes me feel better..for the moment. 

 

 

After cleaning up and trying not to sweat I start my journey to the dinning hall in a pretty decent mood and famished.   I run into this older American man and walk along side of him as we exchanged pleasantries.  He asks abruptly how far long I am. I told him I'm not, it's just fat.  He makes the awkward situation worse by stating, "Well you already have kids then." No.     

Ok, I'm 5'5 and 135lbs.  When I gain weight I always gain it around my mid-section and I've always had a terrible tummy (huge source of low self-esteem right there) since I was a kid.  I've been 115lbs at 5'5 and working out and still the same thing.  I fucking absolutely hate it.  What I fucking absolutely positively hate even more?  When some old fuck, who is guaranteed to have a gut hanging out, asks me when I'm due or if I'm pregnant.  This has happened to me way too many times to count.  Women never say this shit. EVER. 

 

I try to not let it get to me but as I sit at a table by myself with my camp cooked dinner, I lose it.  Really pathetic looking trying to choke back tears in the dinning hall by myself.  I hurt and pretty much hate men at this point.  Then I chat with Manfriend over blackberry messenger and he cheers me up. I'm lucky to have such a wonderful man in my life.

 

Last Nights Dream of Rejection

I found myself in this relationship with this Latin man.  He was overweight and had a very round face.  He also had 3 kids under the age of 10.  We were at his house for his birthday party for which I bought a trip to Maui for he and I, as well as his kids.  Oh I was so excited to go on a vacation.  Somewhere with warm breezes and sand between my toes. 

Oh it would be lovely!  Source

At this party he tells me we need some time apart and I was not going to be going on the trip with them.  He was very dominant and non nonchalant like.  I was so upset, crying and carrying on.  I was begging him to let me go.  It wouldn't be hard for me to just go home and get my suitcase.  He could take the 1 room with the kids and I would get the other room to myself.  He refused and said that we could work on things when he got back.  Apparently he was giving my ticket away to someone but wouldn't tell me who.  I was pretty distraught and started to wake up.  Then I started to get mad and thinking Motherfucker...you are the one who wouldn't be going on that trip and your bratty brood.  You think you're going to take some skank with you?!  I think not...I'm the one with the tickets so I'm gonna bring 4 skanks with me and have a blast.  Reject me will you...well screw you. Of course at that point I have to tell myself to chill out because IT'S NOT REAL.  I was a lil' crotchety this morning.  Crotchety..I love that word. 

This man is Crotchety.

It's Not Just Gas and/or Water Retention

According to the Wii Fit I gained 7.3lb in 64 days.

 I know this may not be a big deal for some but for me it's is because I feel uncomfortable.  We're not talking about 7.3lbs of muscle I gained.....noooo.  It's called 7.3lbs of now living in camp and quitting smoking fat.  Now I'm sure there are some that are aware of camp life but for those of you who don't, I will try to explain.

 "Jiggs Dinner."  Look it up..it's a salty-stroke-inducing East Coast/Newfie Thing. They serve it once a week here.

The camp on site here is a 2500 man + camp.  Most residents there are men...very large men with big appetites. You can well imagine it requires a massive kitchen staff and plenty of hard work to feed that many people every day.   I checked the menu online today, mostly because I'm picky, and this is our selection this fine evening:

Dinner
Split Pea& Vegetables

Beef Pot Roast with Carrots, Turnips & Onions

Crispy Chicken Balls

Western Sandwich

Asian Beef & Greens

Rice Risotto with Mushroom

Mashed Potato

Roasted Potato

Oriental Mix

Whole Green Beans

Albian Diner
Cheese Burgers

Potato Skin's

French Fries/Gravy 

Well seems to look pretty healthy, mind the obvious, doesn't it?  Well you really have to be picky if watching your weight as there is high fat and sodium in many things.  Especially salt.  The pre-made sandwiches for lunch are a big violator in camps.   

KFC Double Down Original Recipe  Monstrosity Sodium Content : 1380mg.  

Look at that sonofabitchofagreasegutbomb. Only 540 Calories ladies!

A Turkey and Cheese Wrap from Manfriends camp Sodium Content: 1330mg.

I couldn't even find a picture for a wrap that looks like these things.  All the pictures I came across had those nasty veggies in it like lettuce and tomato.  Granted these are for lunches and have to make it through a day (or several) and veggie fillings go all slimy but that much sodium for some meat,cheese, wrap and mustard. Just pass me the salt lick? k thx bai.

Steak day at Manfriend's camp lists Onion Rings as one of the vegetables for the evening.  I shit you not. 

Caution: May contain itty bitty piece of vegetable.

So with the food, quitting smoking, and my love of eating...guess what time it is kiddies??

I don't particularly like going to the gym. I tend to feel like this:

However, I don't have an athletic cell in by body so I have to go to the gym.  

Even going to the gym makes Brittany cry.  Well we've seen how that's working out for her. FINE. I will go to the Gym and LIKE EVERY SINGLE SWEATY SECOND OF IT.   (Seriously though..Brittany has Rita MacNeil size buttloads of money and looks like a sloppy piece of trailer trash.  Gimme all your monies Brit-Brit and I will be smokin' fine. RAWR).

I have been dedicated to getting into better shape so I've been doing yoga just about every day.  Yoga I just love!  But not this type of yoga:

Or this:

Or.....

What the hell?!?!?  So much Wrongness. NO ..BAD..NO

As I was saying, I love yoga but just the normal deep breathing, lovely stretching, I can watch ma stories, kind of yoga.  I'm not comfortable going to the gym especially by myself.  So Manfriend is going with me and yesterday was our first time.  All I really want to concentrate at this time is the cardio at the gym and I'm working on strengthening/yoga in my quarters.  It's been awhile since I used a treadmill but they're usually not too complicated.  You pick a program/time etc..  Not these fucking machines.  *BEEP BEEP BEEP* everytime I tried to select something and it won't GO.  Manfriend is next to me on the rowing machine and me in my frustration ask him as whiney as possible to help me.  He hits random things as well *BEEP BEEP BEEP* and it starts to move!  I'm sure he's thinking...silly tech-tard womanfriend...good thing you are such a lil minx and you can cook.  So with his internal smugness, he heads back to the rowing machine.

The treadmill only went for about 3 minutes then ssssttooopped.  GRRRRness.  So I start beeping the beeps and I can't do it....while reading the warning about reading the instruction manual first. I WOULD IF I COULD bastards. At this point I want to just say fuck it.  I whine over to manfriend, "I can't make it go."  He looks at me then just looks straight ahead again.  Nice.  Now I'm uber pissed thinking Damn you..just GO..I just found out I gained 7.3lbs and you are not making this any easier!! GOOOOO *BEEPBEEPBEEPBEEP*  And it goes! Bitchin'.  I rock.  

So I planned on doing 25 mins on the treadmill since I had done strengthening and yoga for 40 mins before. Manfriend comes up close to the end time...which I had entered *beep* and asked if I was ready to go (Keep in mind he had at least 10 full minutes of workout while I was screwing around with the nemisis of a treadmill).  Told him I was just about there and then I noticed it was going over the time limit I originally entered. Even more GRRRness. I made it go but not the way I wanted it to. Dammit. I give it the stink eye and think, This isn't over. The gloves are off. 

The Opposition

I imagine there's a few of my smoker friends that won't read my blog because they think I've become one of those people.

She's just a goody goody who's going to look down on smokers...bitch  A high percentage of my friends in Alberta are smokers so I'll be kinda lonely if I adopt that attitude and I kinda like having friends. Attention-starved hermit really doesn't work so I will do my best not to be a total cow. MOO

 I tend to MOO.  Just another weird Tourette-like part of my charismatic personality.

It's pretty interesting how many smokers don't want other smokers to quit.  I received some nasty attitude from some chick in the work smoke shack when they heard I was going to start taking Champix. Well that doesn't fucking work and it made my boyfriend of  X-years so moody we broke up! (Your piss poor attitude and sloppy fat ass had nothing to do with the break up at at, I'm sure.)  I was taken aback by such a caustic comments.  One gentleman who standing afar from the shack said, "Well that's a total self-defeating attitude to take!"  He congratulated me on quitting and told me that it'll be the best thing I'll ever do in my life.  I kinda hope I do some things better than quitting smoking in my life but none-the-less I really appreciated the encouragement.  

I guess I don't really get those negative smoking lifers because I wasn't one of them.  I always supported people who wanted to or were quitting smoking. You would be quite the toxic douche if you encourag it. Oh you are so not hangin' unless you're hacking up lung butter along with me...that's right, all the cool kids are doing it.

There has been more positive support than negative but people tend to focus on the negative.  It takes one little snide comment for self-doubt to kick in.  This blog was probably the best idea for an outlet to deal with all that self-doubt.  During the points I was really struggling last weekend, I would think about how I could write about that particular stress point.  It gives me a replacement focus and I can post funny shit, which is a key point for me.  

Disappointment in myself and guilt is best avoided.  I don't want to disappoint others, especially my family.  That's why I tell so many people now that I quit and I talk about it.  I need to talk about quitting because I have to keep reminding myself at this early part in the stage.  I can tell it makes some smokers uncomfortable because they're eyes get all shifty like.....................

But anyways...that's enough of my thoughts for today.  One amusing question this old-lifer asked me was, "Now what do you do after sex?" I quickly replied, "I have more."  Yup..another notch in the popularity belt on this construction site. 

Book Store Dream

~From last weekend

Both Manfriend and I had new jobs for the same company but of course they were in opposite sides of this city.  In my dreams I do get a little confused when something new like this happens. I stop and think...well how did that all go down?  I don't even remember an interview...oh well might as well roll with it.  
I showed up at my new place of employment and it was a bookstore!  Not a Chapters style...old beautiful books.  I was stoked. 

So I decided to go see Manfriend to celebrate. I saw a McDonald's and decided to stop in and get a treat for him.  I don't like to encourage the frequent intake of Rotten Ronnies or fastfood in general but as treat why not.  I don't care what some hippies say..it tastes fanfreakintastic.  It does not digest that way mind you.

So I go in and order a couple of Quarter Pounders....in the kitchen.  I was standing around all these teenagers screwing about in this tiny kitchen and their disorganization was seriously pissing me off.  Instead of giving me the gut bombs they give me pancakes.  Now I start to freak like a junkie looking for a fix. Finally they get my order right but just toss it on this cuttingboard table and expect me to wrap and bag it myself.  I just wanted out of there so I start looking around and asking where everything is. Of course this pissed me off more and then I found out that THIS was my actual new work place.

 

That is all.

 

Last Weekend Challenges

Last weekend was my first days off at home that I was a non-smoker.  There was a bit of apprehension on the extremely turbulent flight home but I figured it would be a breeze.  What did I want to do as soon as I walked in the door?

This was pretty much the entire 4 days off (work 10 days off 4).  It was so barfully hard!  When you work out of town it's kinda like you live two lives so it was almost starting from scratch.  The nicotine is not the factor, it's just the habit.  Sitting out on the sunny back deck listening to tunes with a bevy but minus the smoking just seems wrong still.  It just seems like something is missing constantly.  To top it off I found a brand new pack of Rum flavoured PrimeTime (cigarillos).    

Rum Flavoured Tobacco?! OoOOooOooOo Me Please!!  I thought...well they don't really count.....they are something you only smoke once in awhile.  Then I thought...who the fuck am I kidding?  I can't just casually smoke something that is the same size as a cigarette and tastes 10 times better than one.  Nice try on the rationalizing you tool.  Basically there was quite a bit of self-talk/conversing/arguing/bashing going on last weekend.  

Well I made it through several appointments (smoking is a great time killer when you're waiting), the kidlet's (Manfriend's daughter) 11th birthday at a "Family Fun Center," and a few bottles of vino without smoking.  I did break down and chew half a piece of the raunchy nicotine gum but all in all I think I handled it pretty gracefully. 

Maybe I lie a wee bit. 

Ms. Dreamsweridalot

This is going to be a recap of some of my dreams I've had the last few days (GO CHAMPIX!!).  They're short and choppy descriptions because I tend to forget a lot of details but really details aren't necessary.  The gist of the dreams is where it's at...because they make no bloody sense.

June 15th
I remember being in a large grassy yard just hanging out.  In front of me stood a mini (about 3 ft tall) baby purple buffalo.  It was a special purple mini buffalo..it was a talking purple mini buffalo.  Not only that, it had just been born and while talking to me about god knows what, it was slowly shaking off the chunks of afterbirth.  That's all I remember in the dream and don't recall what it was telling me.  It was a dream about a talking, afterbirth shaking, purple, mini buffalo. What .. The.. Hell. 

June 16th
This dream was like I was watching a movie.  Starts out with these two gelatinous slug looking like things on a sidewalk.  They were shriveling up and dying on our planet till one of them realizes they can slide through the sidewalk cracks and absorb the moisture from the grass growing there.  Then they started latching on to all sorts of mammals and then humans, sucking every H2O molecule possible.  It was kinda sci-fi horror flick, which I do not watch for obvious reasons, with the slug thingys growing massive in size killing everything in their wake.  I actually didn't mind this dream because I wasn't involved in it.  Guess I was ok watching everyone else get killed. 

                                             


Apparently there's already a multitude of books about man eating slugs.  One is named plainly, "Slugs," by Shaun Hutson. The cover copy states: They slime, they ooze, they kill... Sounds riveting. These slugs better travel at a supersonic rate on a planet where salt does not exist nor does any of the buttloads of the natural predators.

                                        Ew.
June 17th
There was so much going on in my dreams last night but I had a couple cocktails last night (flying home today...it's tradition) er..so I don't quite remember a lot.  I was in front of a ancient Aztec like building that was thriving with life.  This was cool and I even said so in my dream.  Next dream not so cool.  I had just finished banging a sorta-coworker in some big ass loft.  We were laying down on a foamy with this thin baby blue blanket.  I was on my back  and he was propped up on his elbow staring deeply at me.  My first thought was, "Oh fuck...how did this happen. Oh my god I am such an asshole cheater. What the hell made me do like that?!?! Well lets just get out of this situation gracefully and deal with the guilt later."  At that point he says to me, "I love you."  I go into a silent screaming panic thinking..look at what you did.  Great, just fucking great!! I started to panic so much I woke up.  This never-going-to-be-named-sorta-worker is absolutely random and is a very nice person in waking reality.  Problem is that it's very awkward for me the next day when I see the person and they're hanging around my cubicle.  I can't make eye contact. I feel dirty.  It's like he knows. 
However, I wish I could remember the sex part (there was fuzzy memories) so I would know if it was good or not. 

                              Sometimes they're really, really, reaallly good.




Basically that's all I got right now.  I will try to post later about the whole quitting smoking bit as well as the attitudes of some smokers that I've been thinking about. 


Dream On.