Manfriends PEEN Hat

 

It would've been brilliant if he was wearing a beige, winkled, turtleneck.

As you can see things are quiet as it's TOO FUCKING COLD to work.  Well not for us staffers.  We get to go to work because we're in our non-chushy offices.  All the craft remain in camp since it is -37 C which feels like -45 with windchill up on site. 

I am sick of the cold.  Sick of being cooped up.  Sick of my winter/vacay weight.  We have started going to the gym and hopefully I can drop 15lbs without resort to methamphetamines.  FINGERS CROSSED!  I'm totally kidding.  For one, I have skin that doesn't need scabby sores to accent my cheekbones.  Second, dentist are rapingly expensive so I try to practice good dental hygiene.  Smoking meth is not a good example of good dental hygiene, in case you were wondering. 

Oh if you having seen the guy plowing through a crowd of cycling activists in Brazil, you can watch it here.   It's a holy-batman-shit-balls kind of thing.  

Also check out this mentally unstable half wit Rep Bobby Franklin from Georgia.
He has proposed a bill that:  "Would require that women who miscarry prove that there was "no human involvement whatsoever in the causation" or they could become felons."  (From: http://www.thepetitionsite.com/takeaction/577/966/572/ )  I seriously  fucking hope that a bill like that would not pass.  The amazing thing is his Administrative Assistant is Andrea Postell who I'm guessing is the one who typed up the draft for this bill.  I don't know about you ladies but there's not a freaking chance I would type up such asinine, oppressive, bull shit.  She should be stripped of her vagina. 
Check out the first link for his other proposed bills. They're  a treat...really.  

That's all I have to share today.  You kids play safe out there.

  

Short Conversations With My Manager

ME -  Diligently working (c'mon now no laughing) while listening to Alt Nation Online Radio.

Enter -  French Manager who is 4 years younger than me. (I shall call him Fanager)


Fanager:  What is that music playing?!

Me:  Erm, that's from the 90's....it's Nirvana dude (Nirvana - Lithium)

Fanager:  Well he should be shot!

Me:  He shot himself! In the face to be exact.  WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN!?!
       ....oh right..QUEBEC.

For those of you who are Canadian you'll totally find the humour in that.  

So we're back to work again with all the dieting "Biggest Losers," coworkers.  
This is what my desk now looks like:

Dirty Meeses at it again.

For those who generally don't walk by my desk, I email them the above picture.  Yup I'm a chubby asshole who wants others to fail.  Not really, I always have candy for people.  It's how I make friends yo.   Just right now it reeeeeallly pisses and tempts people so it makes it all worth while. 


Enter Fanager:

Manager picks up a toffee, rolls it around in his fingers with a look of contemplation.  Manger then puts it back in the dish then proceeds to leave the office.

Me:   HEY! You can't just fondle the candies and then put them back!

Fanager starts walking down the hall.

Me:  You can't just treat them like your WOMEN! 

Fanager comes to a halt, turns around and promptly closes my office door and heads back to his office.

 
You want to hire me now don't you?


 

One Ad, One Attempted Scam

After many attempts by the numbnuts from The Brick we finally recieved both our fridge and stove.  A whole part of the sale was that we could pick a date for when we were home to have both items delivered at the same time.  This way it could give us time to sell our old fridge and stove.  No rush..no stress, ya know?

Nnnyyyeaah that's not the way it went down.  We had countless calls to our home phone, which we asked them not to call since we work away from home, trying to deliver just our fridge.  We continuously had to call over and over to their useless call center asking to ensure that the next delivery date would be during a certain time frame and WITH THE RANGE AND FRIDGE.   Then we get a call...at home...when we're at work up north...that they have a delivery date for when we're not home.  OhmyfuckinggawdI'mgoingtoburnsomething.  We call to cancel and rebook.  2 Days later they don't have the fucking range stove that we have already paid for and that they are supposed to hold for us.  WE PAID FIRST. I don't care how long you have to mudderfocking store that shit for us..you HOLD it.  Then she says they're not making that model anymore.  
Right.  Call the Stores Sales Manager.   Apparently this Manager is new and can't do anything without an invoice number.  We're over 800 kms from home. Not happening.  Give up.  Going to cancel and demand a refund if they don't correct this weekend.

We fly to Calgary Wednesday eve...get to sleep around midnight.  7:30 AM the Brick decides that they're going to deliver both appliances between 12:30-3:30pm that day.  Seriously?!   Manfriend and Kidlet have a doctor's appointment at 1030am.  Guess who decides to show up early?  Brick Delivery.  Are you freaking kidding me?  Nothing gets delivered on time when you're ready for it.  Am I right?
The entire day is a clusterfuck between deliveries, grocery shopping, cleaning appliances, picking up Kidlet, picking up Laura from bus depot and selling the old appliance.
I wanted them gone from ASAP.  We don't have a garage so they are sitting in the Living Room on cardboard.  Ew.  So I promptly placed an Ad on Facebook MarketPlace, Craigslist, Kijiji, and Buy&Sell. (Can you guess which one the attempted scam came from...I bet you can!)  This is how all my ads appeared:


2007 Frigidaire Fridge and Stove (White)


Both Fridge & Stove for $300 Cash only- Non Negotiable.  In great working order.  Perfect for a starter home.  Ready for pick-up today.

At such a cheap price I had plenty of callers/emails of interest.  Basically they were sold with the first inquiry.  I'm proper and replied to the emails informing them the appliances was sold.

I replied to this email:

(I am not blanking out this choade's email since A. He's a scammer B. I don't care.)

From jamessmart2222@gmail.com to sale-9kckj-223@craigslist.org date Thu, Feb 24, 2011 at 3:57 PM subject Fridigidaire 2007 Fridge & Stove (White) - $300 (Calgary, AB) Date: 2011-02-24, 8:36AM MST Re

** CRAIGSLIST ADVISORY --- AVOID SCAMS BY DEALING LOCALLY
** Avoid:  wiring money, cross-border deals, work-at-home
** Beware: cashier checks, money orders, escrow, shipping
** More Info:  http://www.craigslist.org/about/scams.html

--

Hi,
Is this item still on for sale?

Simple enough right?  This is my reply:


Hi there, sorry for the late response.
Sorry but the fridge and stove sold quickly.  Thank you for your inquiry.

Cheers!

So I send those email to the trash and thought that was the end of that. 

11:09pm  This email arrives:
james smart

Hello,
Thanks for the prompt response and i will love to make an instant
purchase, so please do  withdraw the advert from Craigslist, i don't
mind adding an extra $50  for you to take  the advert down from
criagslist so that i can be rest assured that am in hand of the items.

I  will also like you to know that i will be paying via check, and it
will be over night payment due to the distance .You don't need to
bother your self with the shipment ok, i will take care of that, so i
will need you to provide me with the following information to
facilitate the mailing of the check.

1.Your full name.
2.Your mailing address be it residential or postal address.
3.Your phone number.
 I assure you once again i will take care of shipping.

Have a nice day.



Regards,
james.

To which I replied:

Where may I ask are you shipping it to and how do you to ship the items?
Sent on the TELUS Mobility network with BlackBerry

I was curious to see where this dumbass planned to ship a fridge and stove and if they even READ the ads.  People actually fall for this shit?  Sometimes I feel that those people deserve to be scammed for not using their spongy grey matter.

You may have noted I stated CASH ONLY and this knob says "
I  will also like you to know that i will be paying via check." Really?  Well if you're not going to give me a choice you could at least spell it properly. CHEQUE.

I did think about fucking with him further but he didn't respond to my last email.  I'm insulted.  I wish I was smart enough to figure out how to send these scammers viruses.  I'm not so I just sent the emails to Craigslist support to bring it to their attention and well, share his email with the blogosphere. (I'm sure there's plenty more email addy's in supply)

One other thing I realized this weekend.  I'm like old and shit.  I was excited to get home appliances.  Here they are:

 Ooohhh Shiny!  Now we have to buy a new dishwasher and hood fan to match but hey, in due time.  I'm pretty stoked to have a flat top induction stove with convection oven.  I enjoy cooking and it's a treat to have decent tools to work with. 

Well it's off to get showered and nails! I'm taking my friend Laura as well and treating her to a mani-pedi, which she has never had.  So it's going to be totally awkward (for her) and amusing (for me).  


I'll leave you with pictures of the 2 that seem to be gassy and farting in my direction this morning.

Shayla dropped a bomb first

Brady dropped the second bomb.  Of course they were on either side of me at the time.

 

I Want to Get Stabby

I try not to bitch about work too much because it's mundane and I want to keep my job.  I kinda like getting my nails and hair done not to mention traveling to tropical countries.  That's why I don't mention where I work other than the Oilsands and there's a greasy, nutsack load of projects up here.  
There was only one ranting post previously and it's basically about the same subject. 

I get safety, I mean I've been roomies and friends with plenty of HSE folk and HSE Managers.  I know why it's in place and the benefits.  I also know when some fucks don't have enough work to do that they try to justify their position.  The fat fuck they have as a Manager here is one of those.  Seriously, they put Peter Griffin in charge and he is gluttonous with power.  He's also a sexist prick but that's a whole 'nother story.  We shall call him Shipoopi
I'm not alone in my opinion of this individual, trust me.  Of course I have to be nice to his face otherwise I'm sure he would following me around spotting enough imaginary safety infractions to get my ass fired.  I don't work in the field, I work in the office but I have no doubt he could do it. 
So what did he do today to piss us off?
In my last post I told you how we were tormenting the dieters (Biggest Loser Challenge) by buying a breadmaker and flooding the office trailer with the aroma of fresh baked bread.  The plan has worked wonderfully and even though we ran out of flower after 2 loaves, others have gone into town to purchase bread flour and yeast.  (Who isn't a bread junkie deep down?)
Next time I should listen to my gut instinct and started a little bet to see how long Shipoopi it would take to find an issue with it.  The magic number? 4...Four fucking days.
This morning he waddled and wheezed his ass into the Project Managers Office to complain that we didn't have a proper bread knife and that someone might cut themselves.  So no bread baking/cutting allowed until we have a proper knife. 

You see what I mean about not having enough work to do?  It's a fucking serrated knife that everyone is quite apt at operating.  It does not require a Construction Work Instruction.  


This incident is what made me want to get stabby.  Know what doesn't?  Flying home today!!  This has been the longest rotation ever, mostly due to the fact we haven't been for a full rotation since before Christmas.  I'm looking forward to sleeping in our bed, sleeping in till 7am, hanging with the Kidlet, and playing with Shayla (my lil' fat dog.)

Snowballer.

She loves eating teh snow.

One other thing I'm looking forward to is finally meeting my friend Laura from Awesome Days and Awkward Nights . We met on Chizzat which was one of the first generation applications on Facebook.  She was residing over on the East Coast but now is going to school in Brandon, MB.  Since it's her 'Reading Break' I told her to come visit in Calgary.  The bitch listened!   She's younger, and I'm a bad influence so it should be interesting and hopefully she can avoid jail time.

Things to Amuse Me and Sunday Ramblings

Here we are on  Sunday...it's quiet, cold (-19 feels like - 28 but I guess it's better than -41 like the other day) and Manfriend had a little too much pop, of the wobby variety, and was not fit for duty.
This means I'm bored, cold, and lonely. 
Yes I'm getting my work done too but I can stop to take a break.  I don't smoke anymore so I'm not getting all the breaks like they do but I certainly don't miss freezing my fingers off to go puff on a butt.  Nor do I miss the stench but since half the site smokes so I constantly get a reminder whiff. 
Today I'm just going to share some pictures of things that amuse me.


Did I tell you that I moved offices before the 6 weeks off?  I HAVE A FUCKING WINDOW!!!! YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.  You really don't understand what that means to me. 
One thing is that I could start growing our Mini-Me's.

I'm the one holding the massive diamond on the right of course.

Oh and that's my new office mate who I shall call GingerMate.  We mash well and he does stuff like turns on my PC before I arrive and waters my Mini-Me's if I'm not around.  So I try not to blast him out with any Slipknot/ICP/Five Finger Death Punch/Tom Jones when we're working.  I'm respectful like that.

That's right...that's my window.

So you remember at my previous job what my shitty ass cubicle desk looked like?

It didn't look like that all the time. I was in the process of cleaning every thing out and packing as it was my last couple days.  Still it was cramped, cluttered yet always cleaned and dusted. 
Now I have more space!

Ok...so it really didn't make a difference.  I have more room so now I have more stuff. Hey, I'm comfy and I have moose that are constantly performing dirty sex acts all around the office.  Dirtay meeses.


One other addition to my desk is something that I did a post about.  When I returned from our 6 glorious weeks off this was on my desk.

How awesome is that?!?!?!?
I mean look...he's pooping paperclips.

SQUEEEEEE

Excuse the pun but the Shitty thing about it is who it came from.  I was very fucking irate upset with the person.  It seemed to me, and others, that this person tried to set me up for failure when I took over their job, while doing mine, when they were on vacation. So it was rather mixed emotions when I recieved it.  I'm over it and I think it's the best stationary holder EVER.  


One thing I'm mad about is that my mini-me has a bald spot.  Totally unrealistic guys..c'mon.  It should be Manfriends mini-me.

Asshole Bald Spot.

At least Mini-Manfriend's eyeballs kept falling off so I got to do this to it:

I love how his eyes are all squinty around the office tack I jammed into his forehead. Speaking of which, I sent him an email demanding he buy me Magicka and download it during the day while the intertube traffic is slow at camp.   The blame for this falls on Drake and his damn reviews. Thanks a lot buddy.  You enabler you.  
Also the fact that The Witcher game I devoted so much time to and neglected the blogsphere for....is FUCKING GLITCHED. I absolutely can not get to the final chapter without going wayyyyyyyyyyy back and trying another method. It's too soon and I too raw to go that far back.  Fuckity!


*Whew* Had to take a step back there. I was getting all worked up. Sorry aboot that.  Just kidding.  I say about and don't know anyone except East Coast Canadians that pronounce it 'Aboot'.  Mind you, they have a whole new type of special English that I don't care to adopt. No hard feelings ok?


Getting back on track here, on our last long drive from Ft. McKay to Calgary we finally got to stop at this fine establishment in Wandering River.

 

If you look to the far right on the roof you'll see the red lettering, "BAR."  The first time I saw that I practically begged him to stop.  It was a no go...every time we passed by.  For some reason I love going to the dingiest, possibly dangerous, dives.  I eat that shit up.  He just doesn't have the flare adventure that I do.  I know right?  Fortunately someone we work with stopped there and said it really wasn't that bad.  Keep in mine, this coworker/friend is a clean cut redneck who's BlackBerry Messenger is a dead, bloody, dear in the back of his truck. Right.


This place is a gem.  Comes complete with it's 60 year old, questionable hygienic owners. Granted it's 11am but come on lady, what's with the dirty jogging suit?  At least wash and bedazzle that shit. 

One thing that was odd was there were signs all about stating, "No CAMERAS."  They didn't say anything about phones with cameras....or no pictures. 

We were ninja.  Ok, not really.  They served us our beer & Smirnoff Ice (wasn't taking a chance on drinking out of a glass there) and disappeared.

He has pictures of the other end of the bar where there's a shit ton of dead animals.  There were marble accusatory eyes staring at you from every direction. Since he's being a hungover pussy (I say that with love honey), I'll have to get them later.


We were hungry but not THAT hungry so we passed on the small deep friend menu.  I'm sure it was safe as their bathrooms were very clean.  Hey, good test of measure when you are going to eat in an establishment is check how clean the bathrooms are.  It's generally a good indication on how clean the kitchen is.  I learned that from a Health Inspector.  
Besides the bathroom being clean they were well supplied.

I didn't have a looney aka $1 (for you yankees) so no wild things for me.

I almost forgot! The bar came with a pussy cat too.

Check out that old school table hockey to the left.

Yup, he was just wandering around.  Nice lil' chap.  Weird to see in a BAR though. 


One finally thing before I get back to it.  People are doing the "Biggest Loser Challenge," at work.  I'm not because I didn't feel like throwing away $100 but I do enjoy the warfare that is currently going on and tend to partake here and there. (I am the one who has candy/chocolates on her desk all the time.) Yesterday GingerMate got one of our guys to pick up a bread maker and supplies in town.  We set it to have fresh baked bread at 6am this morning so the office trailer was wafting with the sweet odor of fresh baked bread.  To top it off, we placed that yummy goodness right at the front along with whipped butter and jam packets. 
They stood their ground for about an hour and a half then *POOF* it was like a cackle of hyenas going after a lame water buffalo. 
Then there was none. 

I'm going score some cinnamon and we're going to bake up a sugar cinnamon loaf tomorrow morning. We're assholes like that.  

A Quick Turtle Burger... *Update*

Pull your potty humour minds outta the gutter.  

This is the Turtle Burger I'm talking about :

Yes my friends, that is hot dogs wrapped in ground beef then wrapped in bacon.  I do believe there is cheese there.

This delightful, stroke inducing snack was brought to my attention this morning.  A coworker who I shall call...TurtleHead ( He's gonna kill me if he clicks "potty humour," link I posted above).  No hard feelings though ok Turtlehead.  You're a cool cat and all even if you do play WOW. 


Apparently you can find this recipe from Follow My Recipe ! Kudos for her and her recipes along with the fantastic photos!

Whoops I Almost Forgot About My Award!

While I was on Vacay I was given an Award from this crazy cat named Bruce.
He's a blogging machine (I can barely keep 1 blog up to date let alone 4!) and one who's comments are always appreciated.  He also is a proud papa of a handsome black lab named Tucker.
So here it is:

So the rules for this award:
 

1.Link to the person who gave you this award. (In a post, or in your sidebar, wherever you have this) 
 

2.Pass the award along to seven other people who post about at least slightly amusing things and tell them. Either by emailing them or commenting on a post, etc. 

3.Say seven(X2)  things about yourself that no one knows. (Or at least you think no one knows.)

4.Pass these rules on. ( copy and paste this winners!)

Ok naming 7 things that I think no one knows about me is going to be difficult considering family reads this blog and well...there's things people don't know about be because they shouldn't. If they did I would have to kill them. Mwahahah.

1.  I am double jointed in my toes.


2.  Biting fingernails disgusts me and if I see you doing it I will promptly ask you if you are hungry and to stop eating your fingers.

3.  Even though I haven't watched it since I started working up North, I love Coronation Street.


4.  I have a huge lump on my head.  Apparently it's a cyst that will eventually have to be surgically removed as it will continue to grow larger, cause pain, and make me look like a freak.  This means I really can't shave my head again. I used to get compliments on my head when it was shaven.  Actually one guy on the city bus in Vancouver said to me, "I just want to compliment you on your head."  I snapped my head around so fast and with such a look of fury that the gentleman bashfully just pointed to his cranium.  Whoops, leave it to me to think an innocent compliment was in regards to a fornicating act.

5.  I decided I want to have a baby.  Not for a couple years yet but it's in the plan.  This is something that I always said I wasn't going to do.  Mostly due to the fact that I was such a fuck up and would be a horrible mother.   There are too many shitty-ass wastes of skin parents creating more wastes of skin that need weeding out of the gene-pool, that I didn't want to be a part of the problem.  Well things have changed...life has changed for the better along with that is my self-confidence.  I no longer feel that I will be bringing hell spawn into the world.   That clock is ticking and it's something that I want to share with Manfriend.  He's totally all for it as well.  I'm not gonna have to do the ol' Whoops-I-Stopped-Taking-Birth-Control-2-Months-Ago-Silly-Forgetful-Me surprise.

6. I've had 11 piercings and would love to have more but I'm just lazy.   


7.  If I haven't been getting any I will have full on happy ending dreams to compensate.  It also doesn't take very long as it does when in waking life.  Dammit. Sometimes it's with very odd people that make me shake my head but the worst is when it's with a co-worker.  I generally forget till I see them and I tend to blush and think, OMG they knnnnnow. 

Ok, have I embarrassed myself enough?  

Now for those I nominate!

1.  Sandra from Absolutely Narcissism  has to get an award if it's in regards to LOL's because I generally ROFLMAO when reading her posts.  Plus she's hot. Giggidy.   I wish she lived in Calgary so she could be my personal trainer to whip my jiggly ass into shape.

2.  This stanky ass bloggress named Laura from Awesome Days and Awkward Nights.  She's fairly new to the blog world and needs to post more.  She's an odd duck but cool enough she's coming for a weekend to our humble abode at the end of the month.

3.  Check out Kara at Visions unto myself . Today's post "When Maiden's Play" is such a lovely and eloquent tale of vomitus. 


4.  Old Cheddar and Fried Onions from Campfire Beers isn't all about the cheap Ha-Ha's but has many amusing life stories and is a total perve. I say that with total respect and admiration.



5.  Mr. Drake who reviews movies to video games with a unique and amusing style can be found at Drakes DoomsDay Corner.


6. This bitch makes me pee a little when read her blog Living Shallow, Living Well.  You gotta check it out.


7. The Roaring Dork really is poetically dirty and obscure when reviewing movies.  For example, Feb 3rd Post title:  "Exit Through The Gift Shop" Is Not Just a Tattoo My Mom Has On Her Inner Thigh."  


Well time to get my poop in a group.  Unfortunately I haven't healed that well from my surgery and had to get to a Walk-In clinic this morning.  I'm sore and tired but gotta finish laundry and get my suitcase packed.  Yup, once again it's time to head back to work.  If I had a normal job in the city I definitely wouldn't be going to work tomorrow but balls if I'm going to sit around in a Camp room all day.  I'd rather work, gross I know. 


Ta ta for now.